And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Christian president!

I am the very model of a modern Christian President,
My sanctified advisers are both transient and resident,
I know our planet’s history in milestones theological,
From Genesis to Malachi (but nothing geological).

I’m very well acquainted too with matters exegetical,
I parse the scientific into holy and heretical,
In embryonic stem cells, I see Satan’s plan to capture us,
But space-based X-ray lasers make me positively rapturous!

But space-based X-ray lasers make him positively rapturous,
But space-based X-ray lasers make him positively rapturous,
But space-based X-ray lasers make him positively raptu- rapturous!

I will not rest until our era cuts off at the Holocene,
And all our high school students have Intelligent Designer genes.
In short, with pious counselors both transient and resident,
I am the very model of a modern Christian president!

******

Pat Robertson’s advice for me has never failed to fascinate —
Especially which foreign leader we should now assassinate.
To pick Supreme Court justices, I never have to wait and see —
Pat puckers up his eyes and asks the Lord to make a vacancy!

For drilling in the Holy Land, I’ve always had a softer side,
Don’t tell me of the Hubbert Peak — it’s Providence that will provide.
My daddy and his daddy knew their bidness King Faroukh-ular,
But never bring it up with me, because I might go nucular!

But never bring it up with him, because he might go nucular,
But never bring it up with him, because he might go nucular,
But never bring it up with him, because he might go nucu- nucular!

I don’t believe in global warming; Kyoto is anathema.
I haven’t put the weather in my plans — and neither has FEMA,
But still, with pious counselors both transient and resident,
I am the very model of a modern Christian president!

******

When I can tell you what is meant by adenine or cytosine,
When I can tell by sight a PCR tank from a bread machine,
When I’ve acquired the rudiments of epidemiology,
And list the latex virtues with no hint of an apology,

When I know any factor that gives rise to tropical cyclones,
When I know more of physics than our mascot did at Skull and Bones,
When I have mastered any part of of basic science policy,
You’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all at sea!

We’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all at sea,
We’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all at sea,
We’ll have a Christian president who clearly isn’t all-at-all-at-sea!

For, although in sacred matters I’m a walking, talking Pentium,
In science I have only reached the early first millennium.
But still, with pious counselors both transient and resident,
I am the very model of a modern Christian president!

11 Responses to “And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Christian president!”

  1. Yelling Says:

    OK, you made me rearrange my office door so I could fit this in a prime locations (formerly covered by an e-mail telling me I could get a PhD based on my life experience – no exams needed).

    Thanks. Got any more?

    Yelling

  2. Jhone Says:

    Absolutely brilliant! Perfect syntax ‘n everthin’! Thanks ever so.

  3. Cicero Hood Says:

    What Gilbert and Sullivan fan *couldn’t* love this! Humerous, scathingly so, and it scans perfectly. Very nice job, indeed! You have made my morning, sir!

  4. Maggie Says:

    Love it love it! Even though he couldn’t actually pronounce 80% of the words …. well, except for nucular of course… :)

  5. site admin Says:

    Thank you, all. After a couple of months, I’d begun to believe that no one besides Yelling would ever notice my “Intelligent Designer genes” pun (of which I was inordinately proud), and that all the brain damage I’d suffered trying to come up with a rhyme for “nucular” would be for naught. Now it seems worthwhile.

  6. rootlesscosmo Says:

    It doesn’t actually scan perfectly–“FEma” doesn’t match “anATHema”–but it’s terrific anyway. Thanks.

  7. site admin Says:

    Ah, you found a flaw.
    I’d hoped to shoehorn it in as a dactyl at the end of the line (“and neither HAS fema.”)
    This is what happens when you let an amateur do this kind of work instead of hiring a professional parodist.

  8. Pieman Says:

    If I could make verse as creative as this, I’d quit being a Pieman and get myself a REAL job. Bravo! Bravissimo!! Encore!! Encore!!

  9. site admin Says:

    As an afterthought, in the extremely unlikely case that anyone wants to reprint this thing, I figured I’d put it under the GNU Free Documentation License. Consider this comment to be appended to the post:

    Copyright (c) 2005 Jim Easter.
    Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document
    under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2
    or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation.

  10. A Says:

    Oh man, this is perfect and hilarious. And will be stuck in my head until January 2009 (and hopefully not a second later).

  11. Shayheyred Says:

    APPLAUDS AND APPLAUDS!!!
    BOWS IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!
    Superb!
    *whistles*

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